Sunday, June 13, 2010

Why?

Last week would have been my son's 10th birthday.  On Tuesday my teen will be attending the funeral of a classmate who rolled his car while heading fishing with a buddy.  Another classmate is now in a wheelchair after a wrestling warm-up in December and his family is deep in the battle with insurance companies.  A friend's marriage is falling apart.  Why?
Why?--It is a question I have often asked--friends, family, pastors, God.  And I am afraid I do not have an answer.  I do not know why one child dies and another is saved.  I do not know why a person walks away from an accident while the other person dies.  I do not know why marriage is so hard sometimes.  But, I have learned a few things and have wanted to share them, in case anyone needs to hear it.

First it is okay to ask why.  God can handle it, He is a big God and can handle your anger and your questions.  But know, that you may not get the answer in this lifetime and that is okay too.  When I finally accepted that I wouldn't know why, I was able to move on.  Secondly, sometimes life and circumstances can really suck (sorry for the terminology, but it is the truth!).   Telling yourself, "This is going to be bad" helps-- it prepares you even when you are blindsided by tragedy.

Next,  you have to take a deep breath, put on your big girl panties, and start walking, walking through the pain and the hurt.  You can't hide from it or deny it, you have to go through it.  Remembering to have a sense of humor and finding things to be grateful for every day, no matter what helped me tremendously.  And yes, even on the day my son died I can list things I was grateful--caring nurses, a dear friend who took care of my other kids, being able to hold my son.

Finally, know that you can survive, even the thing that you think you cannot.  And know that you will never be the same, but that is okay too, you can be better, stronger and if you allow the horrible thing to work in you, to change you, you may even be able to say one day that even though you don't know why you had to go through something so bad or why it happened, you are grateful for having done so.

26 comments:

  1. Becky, thanks for writing and sharing these wisened words. Life does have a way of humbling us all at one time or another, but knowing we will never be alone in our grief, our hurt and our anguish is a great comfort. Pam

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  2. Becky, What wonderful words of encourgment! You are so right sometimes we don't understand WHY but through our trials we will learn and grow from them with the help of our creator. We just have to beleive and someday we will understand WHY. Blessings, Vicky

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  4. Becky, thank you for you honest soulful post. If I could I'd reach through this monitor and give you a hug...and take you to coffee or something. You're words are so full of wisdom. There are sooo many "whys" in life aren't there? Sometimes they just seem to fall from the sky. Your last paragraph in particular struck such a chord with me....been there...and I can honestly say, I'm a stronger person for the losses I've endured in my lifetime. Hugs to you...julie

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  5. Very true. I don't know the reason why to all those questions but I do know that we have a Savior who does and who takes it all from us if we let him.

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  6. Very real and encouraging post. Thank you!

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  7. Oh Becky,.......
    Hugs,
    Marge

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  8. Becky, amazing words from your heart. I lost my Mom almost 2 years ago to Cancer...she knew of our plans to adopt as we were in the middle of that process, but she passed away before my daughter came home. I miss my Mom so very much that it makes it hard to breath some days...and i have often asked myself "Why" on more than one occasion. God gives and God takes away, but He never leaves us.

    Much love to you....from a lurker. :p

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  9. Hugs to you Becky. Big squeezy hugs from someone you've never met, but they are heartfelt.

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  10. Very inspiring, Becky. I needed to hear those words today. Thank you for sharing your story and your wisdom.

    Amy

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  11. Becky, you are so right! Our loving Heavenly Father is right there by our sides through everything that this life will throw at us, and like you said, we may never know why in this life. But He never leaves us to deal with our trials alone. Those times that we feel utterly alone are the times when we've left Him, not the other way around. I think that knowing that there's always someone there, that I'm not struggling alone, has definitely helped me through the hard times in my life.

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  12. becky- i hope you know how much your words mean coming from someone who has been through and is going through the pain you have to deal with in losing a child. you are amazing, a rock, and an inspiration.

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  13. Thanks Becky,
    I often struggle with the grief of losing my little nephew who we helped raise. Your words and outlook are an inspiration. Hugs and prayers to you as you continue to remember and question.

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  14. Hi Becky,
    Well tears are rolling down my cheeks. I guess I am having one of those days... and then I click on your site and read your words of wisdom. Everything you said is true and just what I needed to hear. Blessings to you,

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  15. So true. Thanks for putting it into words.

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  16. I can't tell you the times I've railed at God, and the times I've wailed to God. NOTHING in this life makes any sense to me. Often it just feels like a roller coaster ride that scares the be-gee-be's out of you but you can't jump off. You MUST go thru the peaks & valleys. But I'm ALWAYS reminded that we are told that He will walk THROUGH the mountains of the valleys ... we can't go around it, we can't go over it, we can't go under it...we MUST go through it. The only thing I'm coming to grasp is that somewhere we have something to offer someone else from what we learn through our tragedies -- just wish I didn't have to ;). Come on over to my blog & close your eyes & listen to the first song on my playlist. I just feel God wrapping me in His warm embrace when I do that. Hugs & love ~ Merana

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  17. Bec I'm so sorry for all the heartache for your family there are no words to express how sad this is to hear about a young person losing their life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in the next coming weeks.
    Hugs
    julie

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  18. thank you for the wonderful post!! sometimes we get so wrapped up in the turmoil in our own lives that we forget that there are others out there that are going through the same thing or things that are even worse. saying to ourselves that ,"this is going to be bad" is a way of beginning to work through the stages of grief. thanks becky, you touched my heart.
    kim

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  19. Your post reminds of a quote by M. Scott Peck (The Road Less Traveled):

    "Life is difficult. This the great truth, one of the greatest truths...because once we see this truth can transcend it"

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  20. I really needed that today, Becky. Thanks. Stay strong.

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  21. My husband and I learned the hard way never to say, "things can't get any worse," because we know they can and will. 2004 was the year from hell for our family...the worst being the murder of our daughter, and then the death of my father 6 weeks later. What got us through all of that...the strength of family. There were so many bad things going against us, most of which could have destroyed our marriage...but we both gained strength from all the tragedies, and knew that we not only had to be strong for us as individuals, but for the family too. You know, sometimes life can really suck...but it too shall pass!!!

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  22. I am so very sorry, you are an extremely strong person. Please know that God is carrying you each and every day. May he continue to bless you and all those you love.

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  23. Why is life so hard? I'm not sure! Thanks for you thoughts on the subject!

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  24. Becky... your words made my heart go ping... this sort of pain is hard to understand. The reason children do not make it to adulthood is so far beyond our comprehension ...I think this is why God gave our minds the equipment to 'shut if off' for a while.. or we would not survive...
    Your a Strong lady... do something good for yourself!
    Sandy

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  25. Very encouraging as I approach some memorials in my life. My son was diagnosed with cancer on June 21, 2004 - seems like yesterday and he died exactly three months later.
    http://www.michaelsjourney.com/
    I don't have the answer to "why" but I know that God has it all in control and he does what is best even if I can't understand it

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  26. Your "next" paragraph is the best. I think we dwell on things so much, we fail to live. Thanks for your heartfelt words. ~Mindy

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Thanks so much for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate your kind words!